Gifts

(Sorry I changed it)
I sit at the computer and read how she only has weeks left. The incomprehensible thought of how she will never see her daughters get married. Or her son enter Jr. High. Pain floods every portion of my body as tears of loss run down my face. Why did this happen to us? Thoughts run through my head of how this could only happen to 1 in like 30 billion people. It had to happen to her though. The worst cancer someone can get and it had to happen to her. I write an email telling how sorry I am but I erase it. It’s terrible. I start another but erase that one as well. I think of our own mortality and how something can seem insignificant like watching a movie or reading a book because you know that it doesn't matter cause you will die anyways. It doesn't seem fair that others can enjoy another Christmas or Thanksgiving but you don't get to. Not fair at all. I stand from the computer and leave the room too overwhelmed to stay in there. Walking aimlessly anywhere my feet decide. I find my self in my room and I am crying but I don't remember getting there. I fall to my bed and weep. Sobs tearing at my chest. To feel no pain would be heaven. Not to feel the loss of someone you love. I lay and cry for uncountable amount of time. Slowly and unwillingly I finally slip into sleep. I awake groggy and confused. Wishing I knew where I am and what I am doing there. Suddenly I remember as it all floods back in. I think to myself how she wouldn't want me to feel like this. She would want me to be happy and know that she is at peace with this. But I say crap to that. How could one be ok with dying? I don't understand. But try to cause the greatest gift I can give is to be at peace as well. To understand the she is with her family now and that is all that matters and we should take it for what its worth.

Dealing with a death is hard. We want to blame someone, anyone. We hope that this is all a joke and they will be fine. We scream, we cry, we question ourself but in the end all that you have accomplished is nothing. I hated what was going on. I hated the fact that she was dying. I cried, I screamed, I even blamed. Then nothing. For awhile all I felt was nothing. We all have to go through the grieving process but in the end we have to accept it. Death to some is only a step. Gandalf the White says "No the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path one that we all must take." The return of the King. We must come to realize that death is normal. I want my Aunt to remember me as being brave. Not afraid for her. For her children to be strong. My family and I are traveling the 14-hour trip to see her for Thanksgiving. This will be the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

The memories I have of her are few but ones that I will look back on and smile. She was always there for us. Up in Hebgen with all the children running around crazily, she was always the calm one. She loved us no matter how many messes we made, how many puzzle pieces were flung across the room. No matter how much noise was made, how loud our tantrums were. She loved us. I want to remember her. Her life is a gift.

In the end I figured why give one gife. I want my gift to be multiple gifts. But then I realized I wasn't the one giving the gift. I was the one receiving. The gifts I'd been giving are one of memory, Gifts of laughter, Gifts of hope, Gifts of Life. And that is enough for me. I finally understand.

Love Poem

Dark

Gorgeous

Melty goodness

Dreamy

Hard on the outside

Gooey on the inside

Makes you feel loved

At some point needy

Almost hurtful

Strong willed

Too easily unwrapped

I had to leave you for a while but I found my way back

You loved me through all of it and never lost hope

Your love is never ending

I love you.....

Chocolate

Chocolate never fails

Me

Life Story in COLOUR

(Just a note sorry I discovered the colour setting)

(And yes I know that colour is spelled different

thats how I spell it)

What is life?

1. The condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaption to environment through changes originating internally.

Well true that is life but what is my life ?

My life is....

Joy

Fear

Hope

Randomness

My Life is music

Books

Family

Friends

What about the unknown

I don't know what will happen tomorrow

or the next day

My life is Depression

Sorrow

Grief

Pain Loss

Who knows what my life will end up like

The Future is unknown

Where I will be

Who I will Be

Who will be with me

One thing I do know is

I will Be me

And It's My life

I Remember.......

I remember the smoke rising from the fire and watching my forest burn
I remember Ice Cream at DQ
I remember the smell of coffee and the soft pages against my skin
I remember the rain
I remember the stories and games late at night
I remember the horrid green couches that no matter what you did you would slide off
I remember the flashing lights and sounds from the fireworks on July 4th
I remember dinner with everyone
I remember the cold water of the lake and the warmth of the sand
I remember The football games in the cold water
I remember the long days in the Park looking for animals
I remember the bears
I remember the Rodeo
I remember the fear as we run from the dark and what lives in it
I remember the window
I remember the heat
I remember the hope of a better day
I remember the fish and of fishing
I remember the Eagles
I remember the long ride and the reward of getting there
I remember Howard spring and the cool water
I remember the end and the goodbyes
I remeber the memories

Four Alarm Fire #15

Four Alarm Fire #15

Jon the firefighter started. Why was he seeing these pictures? They plagued him enough in his nightmares. There was something though that was familiar about this picture. Moving closer to it Jon realized he could feel the heat of the flames. Looking around he saw the plaque for it. October 17th 2002. Yes he remembered now. It was the fire at the library, on Main Street. The longer he stared at it the more the flames in the picture danced and twist. The heat grew to an almost unbearable level. He remembered that fire as he remembered them all. With fear, pain, loss. All the feelings that came with a firefighter’s job. He remembered having to tell the wives of the 3 that died that they would never be returning. And the 6 he visited in the hospital. Jon moved to the next picture. This time it was a picture of a house. The fire hungrily devouring the sides, Flames licking up the side of the house. This time the plaque read May 1st 2003. The memory came back. The small house set afire the paint curling from the heat, the crackle of burning wood. The cry of a young child, the scream of parents, and the whump as the water came streaming from the hose. It was too much. Jon felt tears of rage and loss run down his face. It was too much. He quickly moved onto the next picture. This to held to much emotion for him. Turning away he felt an urgency to be somewhere, to be doing something. There at the end of the hallway was a picture he had missed. It was a picture of a school. This time the heat and the flames were almost to much. the plaque he read was October 9th 2009. that was today wasn’t it? Why was he here instead of there? What the crap was going on? He turned to see if there were other pictures but this was the last. He realized it was the end of his fire fighting career. Jon was confused, he had sworn to never stop fighting fires. Then why was this the last one on the wall? There wasn’t even space for more pictures. Then it hit him. He wouldn’t stop fighting fires unless he was dead. Jon didn’t want to believe this. The fire from the picture was breaking out from the borders. The picture was curling at the edges; the heat was pushing farther out. The flames erupted and burned the pictures of his previous life.
Consuming his life.
Consuming him.
Consuming everything.
Fire was greedy. It wanted to have everything and in the end it did. Fire won.

Impulse 2

1- So on a scale from 1-10 how much do you like kittens?
2- What are you talking about?
1- Kittens
2-Ok
1- Well
2- Well what?
1- Kittens?
2- Well ok 1-10… Um…6
1- What a 6? I’m up at like a 25.
2- What that wasn’t even a number
1- Oh so you’re making the rules? I’m the one who asked the question
2- Oh whatever. Do they have anything vegetarian?
1- What for? You’re not vegetarian?
2- Um yes I am.
1- Since when?
2- Awhile
1- I have known you for like ever and you’re not a vegetarian.
2- Yeah I am.
1- What ever.
2- So
1- What?
2- Anything Vegetarian
1- Wait stop it you’re getting something with meat
2- No dude I swear if you don’t believe I’m a vegetarian go ask my girlfriend
1- YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
2-Oh come on really?
1- Since when did you get a Girlfriend?
2- You seem angry
1- Really, angry I couldn’t imagine why? First you didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend, and second, really you’re a vegetarian. Really. And what am I, Hugh Jackman?
2- Wow Andy calm down
1-Oh calm down. How would you like it if I went and got a girlfriend and didn’t tell you? Vegetarian.
2- Well for one I would like it. It would get you off my back about mine.
1-Oh well maybe I will
2- Good
1- Good
2- So anything vegetarian
1- OH COME ON

Sketch

Then the chrome, adhesive, The Duck Tape, ripped, loudly, and stickily, wrapping itself like a boa around its prey. Pretending now to be glue holding life together, now a grey shoe, now tape, while the smooth of the outside glides under skin. It twist and bends across the cold pipe, and as time passes its rough, inside melts and becomes dull. Its silver shine dulls away . Then suddenly it tears as if the end of time has come. As silently as a ferocious cat.  It crumbles silently as a dying flower,  there is a wisp of air and the tape disappears as though the binding has lost all will to live, while the pipe falls to disrepair.